Summertime Record

A relative of mine graduated from high school today. I attended her graduation ceremony. It was very heartfelt. These children were all now moving on into the next stage of their lives and you could feel all the emotions that came with that in the auditorium space it all took place in. There were many well wishes, congratulations, much crying and hugging. I don't speak much to this relative of mine, but it seems she got to enjoy her high school years. Made friends, memories, forged an experience worth cherishing and remembering. I wonder if she thinks, or realizes that. Her, her friends, and many of their classmates went on a little overnight bonfire and camping trip to celebrate. The first big event of the last summer.

I was reminded of my own graduation, my own high school years, and my own final summer. It wasn't terribly long ago now, and yet it feels like somewhat of a different world. I didn't enjoy high school when I went through it. I didn't really many any real life friends. Some people talked to me at school, or tried to, but... There's something wrong with my brain, I think. I've always known, since I first started my schooling in pre-school, but it wasn't until the day of my high school graduation that I well and truly realized: I don't fit in, belong with, or relate to most people. I'm not normal.

I frankly only even attended that event because my mother wanted me to. She thought it was special, wanted to take pictures, I just was glad it was all finally over. I felt bad. There was only one kid there I could call anything close to a friend, so, there weren't many pictures for her to take. We left as soon as the ceremonies were over.

I sometimes regret that fact. That I couldn't connect, didn't talk to those who tried to talk to me, didn't really try to make any friends. To this day, I can't say I'd really even know how to. Worse, I'm still unsure I'd even want to. When I look at all the things the "normals", pinkboys and girls, mediocretins, normalfags, etc, say and get up to, I am often sickened. The real world and those in it don't feel real, like real people. Every interaction feels so shallow, and hollow, beneath every action and word seems to only be games of status and for sex.

And yet, I look back on that time fondly. It's nostalgic. The real world may have been a desert, but the Wired was still a magical place back then. A place I could belong, a place I had friends more real than any I've had in real life, a place I could- in the face of all the moving back and forth I was forced to do growing up- legimately call home. I made my first true friends on the net, way back in middle school, in forums for ARGs and video games and anime and books. We chatted from as soon as I got home from school until damn near I had to start getting ready to catch the bus again. We played Garry's Mod, and Minecraft, No More Room in Hell, Killing Floor, TF2 L4D2, Tekkit, Hexxit, Elsword, Maplestory, and all other many of surval, sandbox, FPS, and MMO game until the fireflies' lights died out. And that last summer especially, I tried to spend every waking moment of every day making sure that it counted, that it was the best someone like me in my position could do.

During my high school years, me and my friends were obsessed with Kagerou Project. A very good, creative, and emotionally resonant vocaloid project by a Japanese creator simply called "Jin". It told the story of a bunch of misfit, outcast kids who manage to come together in spite of tragic pasts. For many of us, myself especially, it hit rather hard. We may not have had histories THAT terrible, nor were we granted supernatural powers from them, or for that matter neither did we manage to come together irl... but still. The hope was always that we would.

We all grew up, though, and with that we naturally lost touch, fell out with one another, stupid drama, mounting responsibilities and obligations, increasing distance, less time, more work and the burgeoning culture war either tore apart or caused our little Mekakushi Dan to fade away, similar to, but not as hopeful as, the end of their story. Summer ended, and so did we. Slowly but surely, the overwhelming majority of those I used to talked to disappeared from my lives, and for quite some time, I felt nothing but alone. I don't where they are now, what's become of them, what've they've done and achieved in life. I hope they're doing well, even if things between didn't end well. Sometimes, a show or games comes out that we were waiting for or that I know they'd like, and I think of them, here and there, throughout the years. The memories may now be as hazy as the summertime mornings, the years and minutes fly by like leaves on the wind, but the earnest feelings still remain. Feelings of when I first truly realized I didn't have to be alone, that I could belong somewhere. It took a while, but thanks to everyone I met in those days, I have a place, a kind of home. I helped build it, with my own hands, and it's thanks to everyone that I eventually realized I could, not forget, but still keep moving forward. That those days, that summer, may be over now, but my future is still mine to shape, and I don't have to do it alone. I used to be rather pessimistic, but now I can believe that maybe one day, as older, wiser, better people, we can meet again.

It may have taken about 15 years or so, but that old timer's words finally clicked, and I have no one else to thank for that but everyone I've ever cared about.

So if your final summer has yet to come, or it's already here, please: make the most of it. Don't just have fun, forge real bonds. Don't just talk with people, with your friends, but really connect with them. Make something real in a world that seeks to summerge anything and everything real in simulation and simulacra. Because even if all does come crashing down, it'll all have still mattered, it'll still be an important part of you that helps shape who you become, and for the better. That summertime record will always be something you cherish. And even if your final summer has already come to an end, and it went went as well as it possibly could or not; even if you have friends or a social life long after high school, but especially if you're like me and don't: I implore you remember the words of kind, old homeless man:

"You're not alone, and you are free."

That gorgeous, blue summer sky you desire is out there somewhere for you to find, if you just find the strength to keep looking.